I got a phone call from my mom today, it went something like this: "Bekah, Grandpa is going downhill pretty quickly. He is coming home from the care center tomorrow, and he has decided not to have any more dialysis treatments." There was a bit more, but you get the point.
So tonight, my sisters, mom and I drove out to see Grandpa. When we got there, he was sleeping. In sleep, he reminded me of watching my babies sleep when they are so new--so tired, so tired, as if just the work of being awake and mortal was so much work. He awoke briefly, and greeted Sarah with his characteristic, "Hi Darling," and she told him who was there. He asked, "Samuel?" (my little brother, who wasn't there). So much work to be awake. He drifted back to sleep before we finished explaining Sam wasn't there. It felt strange to all just stand around looking at him as he slept, so we sang to him. You Are My Sunshine. I am a Child of God. I Need Thee Every Hour. The Lord is My Light. Lord, I Would Follow Thee. And then we traded little memories of Grandpa--picking peaches in the heat of summer, hot dogs at the car dealership, graduations and birthdays, snippets of conversations. Then I kissed his forehead, said "I love you," tacked a picture of my girls up on the wall, kissed him again, said "Thank you," and walked outside. The car stereo was playing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing, "Oh My Father," right at the last verse where the words are: Then at length when I've completed all You sent me here to do, with Thy mutual approbation let me come and dwell with You. It was a beautiful moment to ponder the words, "completed all You sent me here to do" with respect to my Grandpa's life, worn out in the service of helping others.
As I think of my Grandpa and see him in these old photos, I am overwhelmed by a feeling of all that is unsaid, all that I don't know about his life, his family. I'm sure my dad, his siblings and others know the answers to so many questions that I don't even know to ask, but suddenly I am left wondering if I cared enough. Living as close as I do, was I too casual and not deliberate enough in my interactions?
As much as I wonder about the collective past, I realize that each moment with a person is a gift; whether there are 1000 moments or one. It is my gift to know my Grandpa as my Grandpa; it was someone else's gift to know him as a father, a son, a mechanic, an AA sponsor, a child, a stranger, a student, a baby. My gift is today, now. And all those moments over my years with Grandpa that were untouched by thoughts of separation are beautiful in their simplicity, beautiful in their normality. And I have a new moment to add, watching Grandpa sleep at the end of a long day.
9 comments:
Beautifully put. I feel sorry that I didn't know him! What a great man. Those pictures are wonderful.
thanks for writing this and putting those pictures up, i needed that. I balled my eyes out of course but it brought back so many memories that i want to remember. like how he would always greet me with "hi sugar" or "hi darling" like he did to you guys at the hospital. wish i was there so badly.
I love all the old pictures. I see so much of your dad and uncle Ron. I am so sad to hear that he isn't doing well. He is such a sweet man. I remember when he came to the hospital to see me when Cooper was born and told me that he really liked Cooper's name. He said "Cooper Spence, that is a great baseball player name."
I hadn't cried about grandpa till I read this and Emily's blog.
The other night I was feeling the exact same way, not knowing grandpa well enough.
oh Bek. This is so lovely. When my Nana went off dialysis it was our burden and our absolute blessing to care for her as she slipped away to dwell with our Heavenly Father.
Treasure those photographs, and tell as many stories as you can...I'm praying for you guys.
That was a beautiful post, and I ADORED the pictures. They were so classy! What a neat grandpa...I'm so grateful for the gift each of my grandparents are and were to me:)
Karlie
Sorry to hear your Grandpa isn't doing so well. It was fun looking at his pictures - how handsome he was as a young man! I loved the picture taken when Madeleine was blessed - all the generations - life is a chain.
What a beautiful post. You have such a way with words. Your Grandpa sounds like an amazing man.
The photos are great. I think most people feel this way & don't say it or shy away from the opportunity to sing to a sleeping grandparent. I remember stoking my grandmother's head for a long time the night she had her stroke. What a privilege. Beautifully written tribute.
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